3.2 Self-Disclosure

     Self-disclosure is (1) a type of communication in which (2) you reveal information about yourself that (3) you normally keep hidden (Jourard, 1968, 1971a, 1971b; Tardy & Dindia, 2006).

1. Self-disclosure is a type of communication in which you take information from your hidden self and move it to the open self. Overt statements about the self (for example, “I’m getting fat”), as well as slips of the tongue (for example, using the name of an ex instead of your present lover), unconscious nonverbal movements (for example, self-touching movements or eye avoidance), and public confessions (for example, “Well, Jerry, it’s like this . . .”) can all be considered forms of self-disclosure. Usually, however, the term self-disclosure is used to refer to the conscious revealing of information, as in the statements “I’m afraid to compete” or “I love you.”
2. In self-disclosure you reveal information about yourself; it is information in that it involves something that the receiver did not know about you. This information may vary from the relatively commonplace (“I’m really scared about that French exam”) to the extremely significant (“I’m so depressed, I feel like committing suicide”). For self-disclosure to occur, you must reveal the information to someone else; the information must be received and understood by at least one other individual.
3. Generally, self-disclosure—at least the kind that’s researched in communication and related fields—involves information that you normally keep hidden. To tell a listener something about yourself that you’d tell anyone is not self-disclosure but rather simply talking about yourself.

3.2.1 Factors Influencing Self-Disclosure

     Before reading further about self-disclosure, consider your own willingness to self-disclose by responding to each of the following statements; indicate the likelihood that you would disclose such items of information to, say, other members of this class in three types of situations: (1) a one-on-one interpersonal situation, (2) a public speaking situation, and (3) online communication (say, blogs and social networking sites).

1. My attitudes toward other religions, nationalities, and races
2. My financial status, how much money I earn, how much I owe, how much I have saved
3. My feelings about my parents
4. My sexual fantasies
5. My physical and mental health
6. My ideal romantic partner
7. My drinking and/or drug behavior
8. My most embarrassing moment
9. My unfulfilled desires
10. My self-concept

     Responding to these phrases, and ideally discussing your responses with others who also completed this experience, should get you started thinking about your own self-disclosing behavior and especially the factors that influence it, which we explain here in a bit more detail.

3.2.1.1 Who You Are

     Highly sociable and extroverted people self-disclose more than those who are less sociable and more introverted. People who are comfortable communicating also self-disclose more than those who are apprehensive about talking in general. And competent people engage in self-disclosure more than less-competent people. Perhaps competent people have greater self-confidence and more positive things to reveal. Similarly, their self-confidence may make them more willing to risk possible negative reactions (McCroskey & Wheeless, 1976).

3.2.1.2 Your Culture

     Different cultures view self-disclosure in different ways. Some cultures (especially those high in masculinity) view disclosing inner feelings as weakness. Among some groups, for example, it would be considered “out of place” for a man to cry at a happy occasion such as a wedding, whereas in some Latin cultures that same display of emotion would go unnoticed. Similarly, it’s considered undesirable in Japan for colleagues to reveal personal information, whereas in much of the United States it’s expected (Barnlund, 1989; Hall & Hall, 1987).

3.2.1.3 Your Gender

     The popular stereotype of gender differences in self-disclosure emphasizes males’ reluctance to speak about themselves. For the most part, research supports this view; women disclose more than men about their previous romantic relationships, their feelings about their closest same-sex friends, their greatest fears, and what they don’t like about their partners (Sprecher, 1987). Women also increase the depth of their disclosures as the relationship becomes more intimate, whereas men seem not to change their self-disclosure levels. Women have fewer taboo topics—information that they will not disclose to their friends—than men do (Goodwin & Lee, 1994). Women also self-disclose more to members of their extended families than men (Argyle & Henderson, 1984, 1985; Komarovsky, 1964; Moghaddam, Taylor, & Wright, 1993).
     There are exceptions, however. For example, in initial encounters men will disclose more intimately than women, perhaps “in order to control the relationship’s development” (Derlega, Winstead, Wong, & Hunter, 1985). Still another exception is found in a study of Americans and Argentineans; here males in both cultures indicated a significantly greater willingness to self-disclose than females (Horenstein & Downey, 2003).

3.2.1.4 Your Listeners

     Self-disclosure occurs more readily in small groups than in large groups. Dyads, or groups of two people, are the most hospitable setting for self-disclosure. With one listener, you can monitor your disclosures, continuing if there’s support from your listener and stopping if there’s not. With more than one listener, such monitoring becomes difficult, as the listeners’ responses are sure to vary.
     Not surprisingly, you disclose most to people you like (Derlega, Winstead, Wong, & Greenspan, 1987) and to people you trust (Wheeless & Grotz, 1977). You also come to like those to whom you disclose (Berg & Archer, 1983). At times self-disclosure is more likely to occur in temporary than in permanent relationships—for example, between strangers on a train or plane, in a kind of “in-flight intimacy” (McGill, 1985). In this situation two people set up an intimate, self-disclosing relationship during a brief travel period, but they don’t pursue it beyond that point. In a similar way, you might set up a relationship with one or several people on the Internet and engage in significant disclosure. Perhaps knowing that you’ll never see these other people, and that they will never know where you live or work, makes it easier to disclose.
     You are more likely to disclose when the person you’re with also discloses. This dyadic effect (what one person does, the other person also does) probably leads you to feel more secure and reinforces your own self-disclosing behavior. In fact, research shows that disclosures made in response to the disclosures of others are generally more intimate than those that are not the result of the dyadic effect (Berg & Archer, 1983). This dyadic effect, however, is not universal across all cultures. For example, Americans are likely to follow the dyadic effect and reciprocate with explicit self-disclosure; Koreans aren’t (Won-Doornink, 1985). As you can appreciate, this difference can easily cause intercultural difficulties; the American may feel insulted if his or her Korean counterpart doesn’t reciprocate with self-disclosures that are similar in depth.

3.2.1.5 Your Topic and Channel

     You’re more likely to disclose information about your job or hobbies than about your sex life or financial situation (Jourard, 1968, 1971a). Further, you’re more likely to disclose favorable information than unfavorable information. Generally, the more personal and negative the topic, the less likely you are to self-disclose.
     A disinhibition effect seems to occur in online communication; people seem less inhibited in communicating in e-mail or in social network sites, for example, than in face-to-face situations. Among the reasons for this seem to be that in online communication there is a certain degree of anonymity and invisibility (Suler, 2004). Research also finds that reciprocal self-disclosure occurs more quickly and at higher levels of intimacy online than it does in face-to-face interactions (Levine, 2000; Joinson, 2001).

3.2.2 The Rewards and Dangers of Self-Disclosure

     Self-disclosure often brings rewards, but it can also create problems. Whether or not you self-disclose will depend on your assessment of the possible rewards and dangers.

3.2.2.1 Self-Disclosure Rewards

     Among the rewards of self-disclosure are:

• Self-knowledge. Self-disclosure helps you gain a new perspective on yourself and a deeper understanding of your own behavior.
• Improved coping abilities. Self-disclosure helps you deal with problems, especially guilt. Because you feel that problems are a basis for rejection, you may develop guilt. By self-disclosing negative feelings and receiving support rather than rejection, you may be better able to deal with guilt, perhaps reducing or even eliminating it.
• Communication enhancement. Self-disclosure often improves communication. You understand the messages of others largely to the extent that you understand the individuals. You can tell what certain nuances mean, when a person is serious or joking, and when a person is being sarcastic out of fear or out of resentment.
• More meaningful relationships. By self-disclosing you tell others that you trust, respect, and care enough about them and your relationship to reveal yourself. This, in turn, leads the other individual to self-disclose and forms a good start to a relationship that is honest and open.

3.2.2.2 Self-Disclosure Dangers

     Among the dangers of self-disclosure are:

■ Personal risks. The more you reveal about yourself to others, the more areas of your life you expose to possible attack. Especially in the competitive context of work (or even romance), the more that others know about you, the more they’ll be able to use against you.
■ Relationship risks. Even in close and long-lasting relationships, self-disclosure can cause problems. Parents, normally the most supportive people in most individuals’ lives, frequently reject children who disclose their homosexuality, their plans to marry someone of a different race, or their belief in another faith. Your best friends—your closest intimates—may reject you for similar self-disclosures.
■ Professional risks. Sometimes self-disclosure may result in professional or material losses. Politicians who disclose that they have been in therapy may lose the support of their own political party and find that voters are unwilling to vote for them. Teachers who disclose disagreement with school administrators may find themselves being denied tenure, teaching undesirable schedules, and becoming victims of “budget cuts.” In the business world self-disclosures of alcoholism or drug addiction often result in dismissal, demotion, or social exclusion.

     Remember that self-disclosure, like any other communication, is irreversible (see Chapter 1). You cannot self-disclose and then take it back. Nor can you erase the conclusions and inferences listeners make on the basis of your disclosures. Remember, too, to examine the rewards and dangers of self-disclosure in terms of particular cultural rules. As with all cultural rules, following the rules about self-disclosure brings approval and violating them brings disapproval.

3.2.3 Guidelines for Self-Disclosure

     Because self-disclosure is so important and so delicate a matter, here are some guidelines for (1) deciding whether and how to self-disclose, (2) responding to the disclosures of others, and (3) resisting the pressure to self-disclose.

3.2.3.1 Guidelines for Self-Disclosing

     In addition to weighing the potential rewards and dangers of self-disclosure, consider the following factors as well. These hints will help you raise the right questions before you make what must be your decision. Additional suggestions that apply especially to the workplace are identified in Table 3.2.

■ Consider the motivation for the self-disclosure. Self-disclosure should be motivated by a concern for the relationship, for the others involved, and for yourself.
■ Consider the appropriateness of the self-disclosure. Self-disclosure should be appropriate to the context and to the relationship between you and your listener. Before making any significant self-disclosure, ask whether this is the right time (Do you both have the time to discuss this in the length it requires?) and place (Is the place private enough?). Ask, too, whether this self-disclosure is appropriate to the relationship. Generally, the more intimate the disclosure, the closer the relationship should be.
■ Consider the disclosures of the other person. During your disclosures, give the other person a chance to reciprocate with his or her own disclosures. If the other person does not reciprocate, reassess your own self-disclosures. It may be that, for this person at this time and in this context, your disclosures are not welcome or appropriate.

■ Consider the possible burdens self-disclosure might entail. Carefully weigh the potential problems that you may incur as a result of your disclosure. Can you afford to lose your job if you disclose a disability? Are you willing to risk relational difficulties if you disclose your infidelities (on the Jerry Springer Show, for example)?

     Also, ask yourself whether you’re placing burdens on the listener. For example, consider the person who swears his or her mother-in-law to secrecy and then discloses having an affair with a neighbor. This disclosure clearly places an unfair burden on the mother-in-law.

3.2.3.2 Guidelines for Facilitating and Responding to Self-Disclosures

     When someone discloses to you, it’s usually a sign of trust and affection. In carrying out this most important receiver function, keep the following guidelines in mind.

■ Practice the skills of effective and active listening. Listen actively, listen politely, listen for different levels of meaning, listen with empathy, and listen with an open mind. Express an understanding of the speaker’s feelings in order to give the speaker the opportunity to see his or her feelings more objectively and through the eyes of another. Ask questions to ensure your own understanding and to signal your interest and attention.
■ Support and reinforce the discloser. Try to refrain from evaluation, concentrating on understanding and empathizing. Make your supportiveness  clear to the discloser through your verbal and nonverbal responses; for example, maintain eye contact, lean toward the speaker, ask relevant questions, and echo the speaker’s thoughts and feelings.
■ Be willing to reciprocate. Your own disclosures (made in response to the other person’s disclosures) demonstrate your understanding of the other’s meanings and your willingness to communicate on a meaningful level.
■ Keep the disclosures confidential. If you reveal disclosures to others, negative effects are inevitable. It’s interesting to note that one of the netiquette rules of e-mail is that you shouldn’t forward mail to third parties without the writer’s permission. This rule is useful for self-disclosure generally: Maintain confidentiality; don’t pass on disclosures made to you to others without the person’s permission.
■ Don’t use the disclosures against the person. Many self-disclosures expose vulnerability or weakness. If you later turn around and use a disclosure against the person, you betray the confidence and trust invested in you. Regardless of how angry you may get, resist the temptation to use the disclosures of others as weapons.

3.2.3.3 Guidelines for Resisting Pressure to Self-Disclose

     You may, on occasion, find yourself in a position in which a friend, colleague, or romantic partner pressures you to self-disclose. In such situations, you may wish to weigh the pros and cons of self-disclosure and make your own decision as to whether and what you’ll disclose. If your decision is to not disclose and you’re still being pressured, then you need to say something. Here are a few suggestions.

■ Don’t be pushed. Although there may be certain legal or ethical reasons for disclosing, generally you don’t have to disclose if you don’t want to. Realize that you’re in control of what you reveal and of when and to whom you reveal it. Remember that self-disclosure has significant consequence, so if you’re not sure you want to reveal something, at least not until you’ve had additional time to think about it, then don’t.
■ Be indirect and move to another topic. Avoid the question that asks you to disclose, and change the subject. If someone presses you to disclose your past financial problems, move the conversation to financial problems in general or change the topic to a movie or to your new job. This is often a polite way of saying, “I’m not talking about it” and may be the preferred choice in certain situations and with certain people. Most often people will get the hint.
■ Be assertive in your refusal to disclose. If necessary, say, very directly, “I’d rather not talk about that now” or “Now is not the time for this type of discussion.”

     A summary of these guidelines is presented in Table 3.3.

     With an understanding of the self in human communication, we can explore perception, the processes by which you come to understand yourself and others (as well as the processes by which others come to understand you) and the way you manage the impressions you give to others.